I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I’m the most qualified person on the internet to write this article. Alright, wait, not true, let me backtrack. I’m not THE MOST qualified person on the internet to write this article, but I am MORE qualified than any man on the internet to write this article. Why, you ask?

Because while I’ve technically never been a “wingman”, I’ve seen all of their bullsh-t in action. Hell, I’ve been a victim of it. Look, there’s nothing wrong with being a wingman! In fact, it’s about the most noble, selfless thing you can do for your man-friend. That being said, you better believe there’s nothing WORSE than a bad wingman. You will simultaneously destroy your friendship and your friend’s chances at finding true love (read: a one night stand).

If you’re not striving to be the best at something, why bother doing it? That was my take on a pseudo motivational Nike slogan, I promise it will be the last time I try that. Seriously though, it’s important that if you agree to help your friend pick up women, that you do it well! I’m going to tell you what I believe will work. Women are fickle creatures and my opinion won’t necessarily translate across womankind, but it’s the best I’ve got, so try it out.

Keep Your Opinions To Yourself

• Even if you don’t find the girl your friend is pining over attractive, it’s not your job to speak on that. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, so just let it go. If anything, consider it a good thing, if she’s not your type too then there’s no conflict of interest! Everybody wins! A girl can tell when you find her repulsive, by the way.

Keep The Booze At Bay

• If you’re too drunk to help, then don’t help! This is pretty straight-forward, but let me go ahead and really drive the point home. I know sometimes you don’t always know when you’re too drunk, well, because you’re too drunk, but if you are cognizant of this fact, please do not try and help your buddy out! You will make it worse, I promise you that. Women don’t respond well to “slurred speech:Hey Preee-ty layyy-d wanna meet my friend, he think you’re cute.”

Do NOT Pull The Robbery

• I think “pulling a robbery” was a phrase from The Jersey Shore. I can’t fully remember. Those guys were nothing if not f’in awesome at coming up with lingo for night life behavior. CABBBBS ARE HEEEE, GTL, DTF, the list is endless. Anyway, essentially pulling a robbery is exactly what it sounds like. If you’re committing to help your friend snag a certain girl at the bar, club, church, whatever, then it’s basically a mortal sin to “steal” her for yourself. Even if she is interested in you, come on, don’t be a douche. Women (most, anyway) don’t enjoy being fought over like a prize piece of cattle.

No Ex-Texts

• A lot of the time you become a wingman because you’re buddy needs some reassurance after a breakup. Perhaps he’s been out of the game for a really long time and he needs the guidance of a seasoned dater (or whatever it is you do). If this is the case, part of your wingman responsibilities require that you keep his mind off his ex-girlfriend the whole night. No questions asked. If that means taking away his phone, so be it. This is about brotherhood! Remember that! If his prospective lady sees him dwelling over another girl, it’s going to be a big red flag.

Consider It Your Good Deed Of The Day

• This is a big one for me that doesn’t necessarily effect the performance throughout the night, but rather the quality of your friendship. As I said, being a wingman is a selfless act and because of that, you should expect anything in return. Don’t keep tabs on how many times you’ve helped your friend score, just be grateful that you were able to assist him in being happy. Who knows, you may even introduce him to his future wife while you remain single forever! How sweet would that be?