St. Patrick’s Day, more commonly known as every drunk’s favorite holiday, is rapidly approaching and here at FHM, we thought it best to address some common misconceptions. You see, we’ve always had a bit of a love/hate relationship with March 17. On the one hand, a day dedicated to complete and total debauchery is every man’s dream. On the other hand, not everyone looks good in green, OK?
We know that no matter what we detail below, you’re going to do what you want to do this St. Patrick’s Day and you know what? That’s totally fine. At the very least, we hope that we can change the mind of a single functioning alcoholic thinking about wearing a, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” shirt.
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For the list of things you’ve heard about St. Patrick’s Day that are actual BS, keep scrolling.
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You Have To Get Hammered
Despite the stereotype of the, “Drunken Irishman”, you are in no way obligated to be a blabbering F’in assh*le on March 17. In fact, there’s no rule suggesting that you can’t stay home, throw on some green socks and eat a little corned beef hash. St. Patrick’s Day has become this onslaught of partying, partying and more partying. In reality, the day is meant to commemorate St. Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland — not for you to get alcohol poisoning.
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The St. Patrick’s Day Parade Is Fun
The only thing fun about the St. Patrick’s Day parade (at least in New York City) is a whole lot of nothing. Seriously, guys, we’d rather listen to a complete oral history of Ireland than be in attendance of that damn parade. Over 50 percent of the parade is just a bunch of drunk teenagers/college students drinking booze underage from Gatorade bottles. Pro-tip: if you see someone drinking Gatorade outside of a sporting arena, there’s booze in the bottle — this is not opinion, this is fact.
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You Need To Dress Up
OK, we don’t mean to sound like The Grinch who stole St. Patrick’s Day, but there is absolutely no reason as to why you need to dress like an actual leprechaun on March 17. You look like an idiot, we promise. If you really feel inclined to get into the St. Paddy’s Day spirit, throw on a plain green shirt. Please avoid wearing things with sayings — it’s just a bit much, ya know? Erin go bragh, yourself.
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Irish Car Bombs Are Delicious
Irish Car Bombs taste like chocolate milk for about a split second. If you don’t chug them fast enough, the milk will curdle and you will throw up (most of the time). They are the most over-the-top, indulgent St. Patrick’s Day drink and they should be rendered illegal in all 50 states. Nothing, and we mean nothing, good will happen to you after drinking one — let alone multiple. We know it’s “festive” and “fun”, but, really, just drink a green beer and call it day, OK?
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You’re Too Old To Celebrate
Despite coming down pretty hard on all the St. Patrick’s Day degenerates in this post, we want to clarify that it’s totally acceptable to celebrate SPD at any age! Our only suggestion (read: criticism) is that the way people celebrate has gone overboard. Have fun! Drink beer! Be merry! Just don’t throw up on a police officer and completely devalue the Irish culture, that’s all.
